Fighting

I was diagnosed about 5 going 6 years ago with Sickle Cell disease. A disease that usually isn’t taken seriously, my life has changed tremendously, I had to see things differently, I had to see people differently and I definitely had to be able to try to understand others who may come off insulting but it wasn’t intentional.

I struggle with remembering I’m not normal because I wasn’t borned with the disease , just anemia however having this new sudden change in your life is extremely hard.

The new problems arousing, you’re confused . You have so many issues now it’s just too much to be dealt with at once. I ran out of options, I have no idea when I go to the doctor how many issues to complain for unless I’m walking with enough cash for the 10s of test or examinations I’ll have to go through.

Every person with the disease will be affected extremely different. My body rejects medication and a lot of stuff , it also gets immune quickly as I still have a strong immune system for someone so ill.

I still don’t understand the crisis, I don’t understand the seizures, I don’t understand the depression nor anything. I’m lost and have to live with a stranger, hoping and praying not for the rest of my life.

Every month there’s something new , who knows knows. I get tired telling people how many issues come around monthly because I don’t want to seem like I’m seeking attention, pity nor exaggerating because trust that normal people are like that towards people like us.

Organs being damaged one by one and what can you do? You can’t say stop and it stops.

One too many times I want to give up , sometimes I actually give up. I prayed to die one too many times.

When life comes down on you outside of your illness you just feel so exhausted, so useless, empty , lost … it’s like ok I can’t handle my health , work issues, relationships, friendships,world chaos.

By the time I try to be strong enough for it all , I’m too exhausted to be jovial and social. Like do you know what it’s like planning something so fun in your head because that’s what the normal you would love to do but then when you make it there your body is too exhausted to even want to talk? Crazy right ?

But again , how do I explain this to someone NORMAL?

I am at a point where I don’t know who I am. I am still trying to figure out what exactly can I really enjoy being so sick.

I know one day my life can suddenly change and I can be in the hospital for days , weeks maybe months. I want to live now I have the chance but how?

Fighting is my answer but I wonder would it ever end with me alive ?